Heartbreak. You know the feeling?

That sunken heart racing in your stomach feeling you get when the harsh reality kicks in after you wake up from a dream.
That “I haven’t eaten in 5 days” and “you’re doing great, it’s been 3 minutes since I’ve last cried” kind of thing.
The feeling where you’re on autopilot through your daily routine and your world looks dull and colourless.
When the little things remind you of all the things.
When you look at your phone at 5:09 everyday because that’s when he usually calls…and the phone never rings.
When you can only sleep on the other side of the bed because it’s the closest feeling you have to him.
When your heart feels like it’s shattered sending you into panic with a tightening chest, losing your breath trying to pick the pieces all up from the floor.

The emptiness you experience when it feels you’ve been abandoned by your best friend?

Ya…that kind of feeling.

I woke up to a text from Mark Groves the other day that told me having access to our hearts is both a blessing and curse. “You only hurt so much because you love so much”. I thought I was the luckiest girl to have fallen in love with my best friend. I opened my heart the biggest it’s ever opened. At times it was probably too much, and there were other times I definitely could have given a bit more. But I feel like I’ve fallen from cloud nine straight into the sidewalk. Laying there frozen wondering if the last couple of weeks have been real or not, hoping for a rewind or a reset.

This hurts. Badly. And I question every minute with tears streaming down my face. To be clear, this isn’t written with a single ounce of hate. Just a cry to the universe with a million questions of why it’s blindsided me with such unbearable pain.

I’m slowly trying to find inspiration from this and am consistently telling myself that I’m going to be ok. All I can do is sit here and think is “who hurt you so much that you forgot the beauty in having feelings?”